If you are reading this, then there was undoubtedly a time when you were looking for something. Perhaps you are new to kink and just starting out, intrigued by all the different dynamics, beautiful people, vulnerability, trust, intimacy, and lust, all seemingly free flowing. Likewise, perhaps you’re seasoned, and understand what you are doing and who you are with, an expert in the theoretical orientation and technical application of your dynamic and trade. Finally, perhaps you’re somewhere in between, or re-evaluating where you are and how you fit in the kink community. For me, this came in the form of excess sexual passion and an internal desire to facilitate people. I am, by nature, over the top, and seek out activities that others question how that was even done. Likewise, I value the experience of things rather than the thing itself. If I were to think of a partner years later, I want both of us to have fond memories of the experiences we shared. Finally, I was seeking a deep and multifaceted level of intimacy that wasn’t stigmatized. Our intimate life is a sanctuary. It should be just that. Nevertheless, one universal fact stands; We all sat down one day and started exploring an internal itch. It can be said that all kinksters are looking to explore related intimacies, but do you know what drives that interest? I am about to propose to you that such an interest is in fact a psychological need. In this month’s blog post, we share with you some of the reasons for why people have interest in kink, and a deeper look into what you are seeking from a psychological perspective.
Reading literature can make some of us hungry. When it comes to kink though, Greenberg, S. E. (2019) suggests a different type of hunger that is not so apparent, “ritual hunger” (p. 221). History, countries, and cultures worldwide are steeped in rituals. Most cultures have specifics that set them apart from the masses, kink included. They do however maintain at least two commonalities, a focus on social connectedness and community. Some of these traditions directly included sex and/or intimacy rituals such as the Shamans, whereas others focused on the flock or group such as Christianity. Some countries have moved away from such practices and traditions which creates our inner hunger for it (e.g., western societies). It is this hunger that itches at the back of our desires, begging eagerly to be relieved. This is, however, merely a response to the “what”. We now need to dive into the “why”.
Tops and bottoms can both experience altered states through the exploration of our inner hunger for rituals. They do, however, experience these differently. In a recent study, Ambler, J. K, Et. Al., (2017) was able to empirically establish the phenomenon known as subspace via cognitive functioning. In addition, their study showed an arousal increase in participants. Furthermore, Schuerwegen, A., Et. Al. (2017) noticed a reduction in the plasma cortisol levels of bottoms which affects how our bodies experience stress. Furthermore, reduced plasma cortisol levels are positively correlated to reduced stress levels.
Bottoms are seeking a relieving experience. To be free from both psychological and physical restraints through a transcending ritualistic expression. It could be appropriate to describe subspace as removed from oneself Greenberg, S. E., (2019). Furthermore, subspace is a coping method in addition to stress relief. As with any new relationship, dynamics included, thrill or sensation seeking were positively correlated with kink, and went on to serve as coping methods for other issues presented in this blog. Finally, Schuerwegen, A., Et. Al. (2017) identified that kink can tend to these psychological and kinky symptoms in a leisurely manner with positive results. This reminds me of a few experiences that I have had with rope bottoms. The following are two examples of these sensations. I had completed an Ebi bind (the bottom sitting cross-legged, neck tied to their ankles, hands bound behind their back). The position is a stress position. After a few minutes in that position, I went to remove the bind and do another. I was abruptly asked to wait, and let the bottom remain in the bind. The rope allows them to be uncomfortable yet supported. The swaddling feeling encourages her to go into a meditative state of mind and inner exploration. The second example that comes to mind is the overall sensation of feeling safe. The bottom explains that in that moment they felt safe. They went on to explain that through the tactile touch and embrace of myself and the ropes, they felt everything would be ok. Both their mental ailments and life situations.
There are many reasons that can bring people to look at kink, and a deeper look into the psychological needs that created our kinky curiosity is well warranted. Some people are just curious. If this is you, that’s okay. But if you find yourself going down the kinky rabbit hole, I’d like to ask you to describe your needs. Perhaps you are looking to experience the calming effect created through restrictive and firmly holding binds, the resulting swaddling effect? Or seeking an experience where there are no expectations, no restrictions, to simply be allowed to exist and be? Maybe, you are seeking a place of unconditional positive regard Cherry, K. (May 10, 2020).
Regardless of where you are in your journey, I encourage you to explore how kink and intimacy satisfy some of your psychological needs. Finally, and in closing, I invite you to join me in my courses and attend rope sessions with me where I will employ all of these concepts to help you satisfy your kinky intimate hunger.
References:
Ambler, J. K., Lee, E. M., Klement, K. R., Loewald, T., Comber, E. M., Hanson, S. A., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., & Sagarin, B. J. (2017). Consensual BDSM facilitates role-specific altered states of consciousness: A preliminary study. Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice, 4(1), 75–91. https://doi.org/10.1037/cns0000097
Cherry, K. (May 10, 2020). Unconditional Positive Regard in Psychology. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-unconditional-positive-regard-2796005
Greenberg, S. E. (2019). Divine kink: A consideration of the evidence for BDSM as spiritual ritual. International Journal of Transpersonal Studies, 38 (1). http://dx.doi.org/https://doi.org/10.24972/ijts.2019.38.1.220
Schuerwegen, A., Huys, W., Coppens, V. et al. The Psychology of Kink: A Cross-Sectional Survey Study Investigating the Roles of Sensation Seeking and Coping Style in BDSM-Related Interests. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1197–1206 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01807-7